…otherwise known as makeup sex, kind of looks like this.
I get home after a long day and the dishes are in the sink, the man is on the console and my heart’s just not into the whole forgive and chill out thing.
“You don’t hang out with me anymore.”
It’s just a thought, a judgment that bursts from my lips without any actual consideration into whether this is true. My feelings have driven my instincts and actions for so long that if it feels right, I think, it must be true except that’s not true at all.
Reason is one of the first tools of intervention and using it sometimes means checking your feelings, your reactions to those feelings, and deciding on which reaction to take based on the most positive projected outcome, even if your feelings are screaming “NOOOO!”
You know that feeling of I Need a Drink? That urge which isn’t even a voice anymore, or a thought, just a phantom-like, ruling impulse?
Reason is what allows the untamed canine of my mind to walk about the neighborhood without barking and snapping and pissing all over everything, mucking it up for everyone.
No, logic. Logic holds me back. I can reason myself into all kinds of stupid things.
But today, reason or logic don’t prompt me to consider any of these things. I haven’t yet created a flag that tells my brain to consider if this criticism is warranted or not, which is fine by me since that means it hasn’t been enough of a problem to warrant flags, at least compared to other problems.
Most likely, I’m just uptight after a long day and need a run and a bath and some dinner, but tight- wound, tightwad me just sees dishes and obstacles and complaints.
My man and I hang out all the time. If anything, we probably spend too much time together, so I don’t know why I’m saying things like, “we don’t hang out anymore,” unless there’s a part of me that thinks this is how I’m going to get what I really want.
I don’t even know what that is 75% of the time.
I’m hard on myself and nagging is my least favorite of the stereotypes attributed to women, or the wifely figure, in a relationship.
But there’s a place for a little nagging sometimes, especially if the end result is the ol’ nag n’ shag. At the same time, I don’t want nagging to become the mechanism by which I garner attention when that’s really all I’m looking for, which I end up discovering in hindsight.
The reason this sits with me today is that when I fuck up, nag, hurt someone, or otherwise enact some kind of damage upon myself or my loved ones or my environment, I have a tendency to think that talking about it or processing it or working it all out is going to make things better.
I was listening to Russel Brand’s Recovery today and he said something like, you can make amends, while I was thinking about all the damage I’d done to myself and others because of alcohol.
You can make amends for the things you have done wrong.
I fear fucking up so badly that amends will not be possible. I don’t want to pick little fights if they are going to add up, for instance, me just being a big nag.
My biggest fear, perhaps, about embarking on an alcohol-free life is that no amount of amends is going to help and maybe this is just the sad state of my life until it’s over.
That is, of course, irrational. Some hurts are temporary. Some are long lasting. The day after this unreasonable declaration, I was all wrapped up in my mind about nagging my man and all the little wrong icky, prickly things I could conjure to fret over, and the fact that I have time to make amends if necessary showed me it wasn’t. The little nag which threatens to become a big problem of ignored threatens to be just as big a problem if handled too much.
I ignored all my instincts to try and fix right away, send a text, a blaming why don’t you message, but all I’m trying to fight is my own shame at having picked an unreasonable fight and now having to wait out the consequences.
My mom being the therapist that she is, I grew up learning how to talk things out, often right away. The problem with this is if you don’t feel the emotional impact of the interaction fully, you’re likely to repeat the mistake again. It’s a human thing.
So instead of feeling the impact of many of my mistakes, I’ve talked my way through or out of them only to make the same mistakes over and over.
It’s alright now to just let that impact be felt. Apologize when the time is right. Move on. Don’t do it again or the consequences get bigger. No judgment or blame. Just know this is a natural law of your human life. Reason and logic are there to allow us to make informed decisions based on our emotional climate.
Then again, if he hated the nagging, we wouldn’t have the ol’nag n’shag.
So maybe my judgment of the nag is the issue here.