Tao Crash

A lot of this cyclothymia deal involves paying attention to what I eat. I don’t worry about calories, but breads, pasta, and processed sugar are things that will make me crash. Sugar makes your blood sugar spike (you guessed it). Simple sugars are digested quickly, offer a burst of energy, and a crash follows. The recommendation is balance. If you get sugars from oats, for instance, the fiber in them will allow for slower digestion and a more moderate, even flow of energy over a longer time without severe mood spikes.

A chocolate bar will make you stoked on life for ten minutes and then maybe the day is a bit grayer for a while. This morning in the shower, I had an onslaught of depression and meaninglessness about half an hour after my donut. I’m trying to enjoy this lovely shower and the sugar crash hits, but I’ve forgotten that I’ve eaten a donut so I just feel like nothing is worth it and why bother out of nowhere.

Meditation is the only way I know of to cultivate the kind of self-awareness that allows for observational experiences of emotions when I’m experiencing intense emotions like hopelessness or anger or jealousy. Observing my emotions objectively after a donut is significantly more difficult than it would be after meditation, in any case.

I should not drink coffee but I love it.

This morning I ate a donut and it fucked up my whole day. Not worth it. The lows I feel from a sugar crash are worse than the come down after a mushroom trip. Come to think of it, so is the crash from alcohol. Nicotine was the worst. Somehow, miraculously, awesomely, I no longer smoke. Thank geode.

Differentiating a sugar crash vs. a crash from an emotional trigger vs. a crash from a current concern that is legitimate and requires attention are compartments I’ve been building for my emotions for a lifetime. As I grow, so must my understanding of where the boundaries of these compartments stand naturally. This seems neurotic to me. I wonder if it’s necessary or even fully true.

I am learning to observe the emotions objectively, sit with them. My fight-or-flight systems are on idle for the first time in a long time. Today the engines were on full bore. I woke up at 5 AM ready to go, made coffee, knit, did some reading, some listening, took the dog on a walk, all before 7.

People are walking closer together, talking on their phones, emerging from storefronts onto busy sidewalks without looking where they are going. The city is coming back to life slowly but surely. The sun makes an appearance now and then. The flowers here are bright and pungent and literally everywhere. Trees I do not know the name of drip with boughs of pink flowers that skittle the sidewalks with little petals in spring. Bold, waxy, serrated, green leaves emerge from these boughs overnight, giving the tree a masculine feel in summer. I think of it as a hermaphrodite.

I think they are crab apples.

These are the thoughts I’m starting to occupy my time with. Appreciate. Enjoy objectively as well as possible.

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